So, you want to be unbothered, not easily hurt by others, move on from your ex, let me teach you the art of not taking everything personally.
Let's start by unlearning whatever you've learned before. You might think that people treat you like shit because you think you are a shitty person. That might be true, but if you have been trying to do your best, to be kind, or at least, respectful towards others, then how they treat you back is not about you anymore, it's about them.
Yes, you read it right. The fact is, how people treat you is rarely about you, and mostly about them. Vice versa, how you treat others is a reflection of you, not them. And once you adopt the perspective I taught you, you will realize that most people are just reacting, NOT responding.
That's a freeing thoughts. And that's what I hold dear in life. I often forget about this, so this article is also for my future self.
Unfortunately, and fortunately, not everything is about us.
How often we tried your best, but ended up being treated like shit by our significant other, family members, or people you thought are your friends?
They are showing you who they really are as a person. It's time to stop seeing them as someone you want them to be, or who you think they are, but see them as what is, who is.
Truth is, action don't lie. People can say whatever they want about themselves, but what they do speaks louder than any words. Ruminating on our idea about them, won't change the truth about who they are.
So often we suffer because we let everything gets into our heart and our head, without much reflection or consideration of our efforts and choices. Sometimes, people hate other people simply because they are unhappy with their lives. Perhaps, they have shitty personal values, and those values are reflected back to their action and how they treat others.
Once, I saw drama happened on X, about haters on the internet, making false rumor and defamation on celebrities out of thin air. Then not long after, somebody found their private posts on other platform, talking how unhappy they are in real life, thus lead to the hate.
The same haters mentioned how they envied the celebrities because they seemed to have a "better life" than them. The haters wanted to put the celebrities down, thinking it could make them feel better. I don't know where the logic comes from. But that is, unfortunately, how most people react to discomfort—making others as their punching bags.
Many people around us, or sometimes us too, have the same logic; we put others down because we think it could elevate our self-esteem. Fact is, it doesn't work that way. Have you ever heard of the term narcissisms? Narcistic people does that too. The more we do that, the more we feel insecure. And the more insecure we feel, the more we embodied that shitty way of thinking—we treat others like shit in the end. It's not helping anybody, especially ourselves.
Now, let's get back to the main argument. Your way of treating others is a reflection of you. The way of others treat you is a reflection of them.
On the internet, you can either leave hate comment or helpful feedback to help others improve, it's entirely up to you. You cannot control how people will react, but you can respond in the way that reflect your personal value.
There are many things happened in my life that makes me arrived to my argument.
One thing about having Asian parents is the weight of their high expectations. For years, I struggled to distinguish between what I wanted and what they wanted for me. When I refused to follow their wishes, they responded with silent treatment—a tactic I later realized stemmed from their pride. My achievements weren’t just for me; they were a reflection of their success as parents in front of their friends. Living under this pressure left me with low self-esteem and a string of heartbreaks. It took years of feeling trapped before I finally grew tired and decided to break free. That’s when I realized much of what I’d done wasn’t for myself. I had to start over, from square one, and figure out who I truly was.
Obviously, mindfulness is crucial in mastering this. Be mindful about who you are and who you want to become; what is important for you? And what kind of person you want to be in the future? Because struggles and hurdles in life gives us a chance to exercise this reflection.
The philosophies and theories.
Have you ever heard of Stoicism? Yes, that stoicism people often talk about. I can't say that I'm a stoic now, but there are lessons in stoicism that we can adopt to master this art of not taking everything personally.
Stoicism, an ancient Greek philosophy championed by thinkers like Marcus Aurelius, Epictetus, and Seneca, emphasizes the importance of focusing on what we can control and letting go of what we cannot. At its core is the belief that external events, including the actions and opinions of others, are beyond our control. What we can control, however, is how we respond to these events.
Marcus Aurelius wrote, “You have power over your mind – not outside events. Realize this, and you will find strength.” People’s actions stem from their internal state, and recognizing this can help us remain "unbothered" by their behavior.
In the context of personal boundaries and not taking things personally, Stoicism offers profound insight. When someone mistreats you or acts in a way that feels hurtful, it’s important to understand that their behavior is often a reflection of their internal state—their fears, frustrations, or insecurities—rather than a direct commentary on your worth or actions. By detaching your self-worth from how others behave, you can cultivate resilience and inner peace.
There is also another thing called Phenomenology, a philosophical movement founded by Edmund Husserl. Phenomenology focuses on understanding human experience as it is perceived from a first-person perspective. It emphasizes that individuals do not encounter the world objectively but rather through the lens of their personal histories, emotions, and biases.
This perspective is deeply relevant to understanding interpersonal dynamics. When someone treats you poorly or acts in a certain way, their behavior is rarely a reflection of who you are. Instead, it is shaped by their subjective experience—how they interpret the world, their own struggles, and the meanings they attach to events.
For example, a friend’s sudden irritability may have more to do with their stress or insecurities than with anything you’ve done. Similarly, a parent imposing expectations might be influenced by their cultural values, societal pressures, or unresolved personal ambitions. Recognizing this can free you from taking their actions personally and help you see them as reflections of their inner world, not judgments of your worth.
Phenomenology shows us how to step back and see that everyone views the world through their own lens. This helps us handle relationships with more understanding and stay calm instead of reacting emotionally. When we remember that people’s actions come from their own experiences, it becomes easier to deal with conflicts and misunderstandings.
So yes, I hope that helps. Stoicism and Phenomenology aligns with this argument. Perhaps not entirely, perhaps I misunderstand the concept—I don't know everything. But now it's time to dive into the practical strategies for adopting this mindset!
Practical Strategies
Shifting your perspective to stop taking things personally takes practice, but small, intentional steps can make a big difference. Here are some strategies to help you adopt and strengthen this mindset:
1. Ask Yourself, "Is This Really About Me?"
When someone’s words or actions upset you, pause and ask, “Is this about me, or is this about them?” This question helps create a mental distance between their behavior and your self-worth. Often, you’ll realize that their reaction is shaped by their own struggles, not something you’ve done.
2. Practice Journaling
Writing down your thoughts can help you process emotions and spot patterns in how you react to others. For example, when someone’s actions bother you, write about the situation: What happened? How did it make you feel? Do you think their behavior reflects their inner struggles? Over time, journaling can help you see that many situations aren’t personal and give you clarity on setting boundaries.
3. Mindfulness and Meditation
Mindfulness trains you to observe your thoughts and emotions without judgment. When you feel hurt or defensive, take a moment to breathe deeply and ground yourself. Remind yourself that others’ actions are often a reflection of their reality, not yours. Regular meditation can strengthen this practice, helping you stay calm in the face of conflict or criticism.
4. Focus on Your Own Values
When you’re clear on what matters to you and act in alignment with your values, it’s easier to let go of what others think. Make a list of your core beliefs and goals. Whenever you feel shaken by someone’s behavior, revisit this list to remind yourself of what truly matters.
5. Give Yourself Permission to Let Go
Letting go of others’ opinions and actions doesn’t mean you don’t care—it means you choose to protect your peace. Visualize their negativity as a weight you can set down. Tell yourself it’s okay to move forward without carrying their baggage.
6. Recognize the Difference Between Reacting and Responding
Most people react instinctively to situations, often out of fear, anger, or frustration. Remind yourself to pause and respond thoughtfully instead. For instance, instead of snapping back when someone is rude, take a moment to consider their perspective. You’ll likely find their reaction has more to do with their inner struggles than with you.
These practices can help you build emotional resilience, strengthen your boundaries, and approach relationships with greater understanding. Over time, you’ll notice it becomes easier to stay centered and at peace, no matter how others behave.
Let me end this...
The idea that people’s actions are a reflection of them, not you, holds true when you’ve done your best to act kindly, respectfully, and authentically. In those cases, if someone still treats you poorly, it’s likely more about their own struggles, insecurities, or emotional baggage than anything you’ve done.
However, this doesn’t mean we can dismiss every negative reaction from others as “not about us.” If we’ve acted carelessly, ignored boundaries, or made mistakes, then others’ reactions might be valid responses to our behavior. Personal growth requires acknowledging when our actions have impacted someone else, even unintentionally.
The key is self-awareness: knowing when you’ve done your part to the best of your ability and when you might need to take accountability. If you can honestly say you’ve approached a situation with integrity and still faced negativity, then it’s fair to let go of taking it personally and recognize that their reaction is more about them than you.
I hope you and my future self could find this article helpful. It's very easy for us to forget, so that's where journaling becomes crucial in our everyday life.
I know it can be hard to deal with people's reaction, but life isn't going to be easier if we have to live carrying emotional baggage everyday. Knowing this mindset — that we don't have to take everything personally — also takes practice and there is no other way to adopt it. You got to practice everyday. Make a note, take your time to reflect, and when your inner peace feels disturb once again, go back to your note, read what you have learned.
If you think it's impossible, I have met someone who can practice this, and it becomes her lifestyle basically. She inspires me, and I hope she could help you when things are getting difficult to process.
My best friend, I met her when I was in London. She was happy all the time, despite the weather, the stress, the racism, and everything else, she seemed very unbothered, like nothing could wipe her smile away. Her childhood wasn't an easy one. Yet, through all of the hardship, she gained mental resilience. She enjoys her day, does her best she could in every task she was given at the time. Not only that, she even give others, me, encouragement.
She is a living example for me that this approach is not impossible to master and adopt.
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